New Models of Sex Therapy: Beyond Function and into Style

Newer approaches to sex therapy focus beyond "sexual dysfunctions," like "erectile disorders" or "orgasm difficulties." Our approach understands that sexual behavior that happens between two people is impacted by the overall relationship these two people have. We want genuine passion, pleasure, comfort, friendship, and fun in our sexual relationship.

In today's sex therapy offices, we've taken off the lab coats.There are no "sensate focus" exercises, no routine homework assignments, and no "bans" or prescriptions.The goal, instead, is to increase your capacity for intimacy and passion. We take you where you are, and don't have a universal yardstick that measures "healthy" vs "unhealthy" sexual behavior or frequency.

While we certainly don't ignore the body, and understand that there are real biochemical differences between people, we accept that as a given. Then we try to help you to work with the advantages and limitations you were given, and collaboratively shape a sex life that works for you.

 What used to be thought of as "sexual problems" like sexual disinterest, orgasmic difficulties, emotional estrangement, and erectile problems, are looked at differently. The emphasizes is on personal growth (“differentiation”) rather than on resolving "sexual dysfunctions." There is no effort to "do it right" sexually.

How can you do sex "wrong"? A new look at sex therapy

In fact, the work initially focuses on "doing it wrong" and learning from the experience (which really means there is no "wrong" way to be sexual in this model).

Rather than telling you what to do or how to do it, we use your spontaneous sexual behavior as a window into yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This approach doesn't focus on the common age-related changes in sexual functioning as a "problem,' either. In fact, as people  mature, they can become more thoughtful, considerate, and skillful lovers than they were as young adults. While some of the body works differently, there is less anxiety, and a greater capacity to tolerate the anxiousness that is there.

Traditional sex therapy saw anxiety as the enemy. The goal was to try to reduce it to manageable levels. The new view  is to  recognizing the patterns that  keep you stuck. Then, as friends, try to face into it and learn a different, friendlier, easier way of relating.

Identifying sexual styles, not "dysfunction" in sex therapy

Like different preferences in food, people have different preferences for how they like to approach sex. For some, it has to be calming, with lights turned down low and a relaxed environment in body and mind. Others need to feel emotionally connected to each other. They can't do sex to "make up." They have to reconnect before they have "make up sex."

Finally, still others look for the excitement and novelty in sex. For them, when they feel creative, and good about themselves, they want an enthusiastic co-explorer. They create elaborate fantasies, want to live out sex in scandalous places, and try new sexual techniques.

When people of different styles marry each other, the "high" of newness usually helps them ignore these different patterns. But as years go on, they become upset by the demands or disinterest that they feel from their partners. Few have the language to speak calmly and directly about these different preferences, because they aren't common knowledge!

Sexual mismatches and devolving sex

Instead, there is often an unspoken growing resentment. If you feel put upon by an adventurous spouse, you may withdraw sexually from them. It is often not true that these people "don't like sex." Often, they don't like sex the way they are having it with their mate! 

The adventurous mate feels neglected and rejected. When they do have sex, it feels boring or "vanilla." They may retreat to watching porn and masturbate to an exciting other. But short of suggesting something new, and being hurt when their partner refuses, they also don't have the skills to discuss sex in an open and honest way. Someone ends up feeling either oversexed or undersexed. Not a great place for a conversation to end up.

These mismatches then result in greater anxiety and disconnection when sex happens. The biological factors that make sex enjoyable fade. Erections fade and dryness prevails. This adds even more awkwardness and unhappiness all around, never mind pain and discomfort. Sex becomes a "performance" that either or both of you mess up. This performance might mean pretending you are "into it" to speed it along or disconnect into fantasy to to keep your arousal.

Both strategies, while understandable, bring each of you farther and farther away from your true feelings. You each become less enthusiastic and passionate about intimately connecting. In fact, if you are performing, you are trying to be someone else and not yourself!

In this new sex therapy, couples are encouraged to notice how they are feeling about their partners. Are you still feeling resentful? Do you want to say "no" but feel guilty? What or who are you saying "no" to? Few people say no to the opportunity to have relaxed and satisfying pleasure from the person they love. When sex stops being that, it's easier to say no to.

As couples therapists and sex therapists, we help you to move beyond knee-jerk withholding or automated requests for sex, even if you don't actually want to. We help you to work toward wanting your lover, instead of "sex." And that means relearning, or perhaps learning for the first time how to be a generous and passionate lover.


Contact us for an appointment with one of our trained sex therapy professionals today.

Passionate friendship.

Some call it "Intimate Friends." Others call it "people who like to give each other good vibrations." You can call it just "lovemaking." Want it back?

Come explore the best that you can bring to your relationship. It is easy to set up an appointment.

It really can get better.

Want to try it on your own first? Read the steps to moving out of a sexless marriage.