Introduction:

Understanding relationships often involves dissecting attachment styles and their interplay. In exploring various combinations, certain pairings emerge as challenging or even distressing, giving rise to what's colloquially termed 'relationships from hell.' These scenarios don't necessarily signify doomed partnerships but shed light on predictable hurdles in the absence of secure attachment.


First, the Anxious-Preoccupied Relationships from Hell

The Important thing to remember is that we are all struggling to gain mastery over our childhood attachment injuries. We select partners who we feel are best suited to helping us to accomplish this important task.

So with that in mind, what do I mean by a relationship from hell? In the absence of secure attachment, some combinations of attachment styles offer predictable struggles and hurdles that we see in couples therapy. That doesn't mean these aren't loving relationships, or that these relationships are doomed to failure. It's just that certain combinations are fraught with predictable peril. Fortunately, we have the science of human attachment to help us towards more secure bonds.

Is my last post, I discussed common pairings that we see in our Couples Therapy Intensives where at least one partner has the most common and healthy attachment style; Secure. It is guesstimated that about 50 to 60% of humanity falls into the predominantly Secure attachment style. It is also believed that the Anxious-Preoccupied, and two Avoidant attachment styles (combined) are tied for second place at around 20% or so each.

Most researchers who care to offer an opinion believe that Disorganized Attachment is the rarest, at around 10%. I believe it's probably higher, but still, we only rarely see a client with a dominant style of Disorganized Attachment in couples therapy.

Because Anxious-Preoccupied and Avoidant attachment combined are estimated to be 40% of all couples, I thought it might be interesting to discuss how these "relationships from hell" play out in the absence of Secure attachment.

Anxious-Preoccupied (AP) and Avoidant-Dismissive (AD)

This is a  form of "hostile" couple That John Gottman described in his typology. The key idea here is that this couple, at it's worst, can present a perfect storm for how not to get your needs met. The Anxious-Preoccupied lives to connect. They are always seeking validation and approval, sometimes to an unreasonable extreme. It could be said that they make too much of love, while their Avoidant-Dismissive spouse makes too little.

Before you think this marriage is doomed, it may not be divorce that is the bad news for this marriage, but remaining miserably married, perhaps indefinitely according to the research.

The Dismissive believes there is nothing wrong with them. They are independent and can take care of themselves. Rather than being outright rejecting, however, which would not have launched the relationship to begin with, they go hot and cold. First they give attention, then they reject any effort to connect. Deep connection is frightening to a Dismissive, even if they never admit to it. Relying on people from their past, like their parental figures, as ended up a painful disappointment. So while they want to connect, sometimes they want badly to do so, they can't own or act upon that need. They watch from a safe distance while their Anxious-Preoccupied partner overtly expresses that desire. Then they resent them for it.

Intermittent reinforcement schedules are the strongest form of learning. This is the dynamic that happens between these couples. The early "good times" leaves out the carrot that if the Anxious-Preoccupied partner changes in some unspecified way, these happy times might return.

But it is the message these Dismissives send that are so harmful and toxic to their mates: "I find you annoying and wish you would leave me alone."

This message works on the deep-rooted anxieties of their partner's fear of rejection. The harder this anxious partner attempts to gain their attention, the more rejecting their Avoidant spouse becomes.

The Avoidant wants to be wanted, but refuses to want. However, their Anxious partner would have no clue that the attention they offer is wanted. In fact, they are given the opposite message. "Leave me alone, until I decide to reach out." And the waiting is tortuous to the Anxious spouse. Unable to hold back any longer, they reach out, only to meet an angry response: "I was about to reach out to you, but now you blew it!" 

The Anxious Preoccupied spouse may protest, but at the end of the day, they aren't secure enough to leave to find something better.

Curiously, after the healthy Secure-Secure pairing, this couple is the most resilient in terms of maintaining a long-term marriage. Neither are happy, however. Without effective couples therapy, their painful interaction can go on forever. This pairing is a commonly seen relationship from hell.

Anxious-Preoccupied with Avoidant-Fearful:

When the  AP partner, is with a  Fearful-avoidant partner we typically see this type of dynamic:
The AP will continue to reach out in an effort to connect, and seek secure validation as they always do, but the Avoidant-Fearful type is far less likely to offer them anything that can translate into even marginal marital satisfaction. 

The Anxious-Fearful will be less far less likely to humor the Anxiously attached, than the Avoidant will. Anxious-Preoccupied becomes exhausted with by all the Avoidant-Fearful's perpetual warding off the AP's bids for attention.  This pairing is a seesaw of misery.

The closer the couple gets, the more anxious the Avoidant-Fearful becomes. The more successful the AF is in warding off the AP's bids for connection, the more anxious and insistent the AP becomes. This is a far less resilient combination than the AP and AD, but it's one of the relationships from hell that is not uncommon in couples therapy.

Anxious-Preoccupied (AP) with Anxious-Preoccupied (AP):

This is a particularly challenging relationship from hell. Both AP's are preoccupied (as the name implies) with their own needs. They often lack a felt sense of where their partner is coming from. Like the hungry ghost, or preta, in ancient Hindu mythology they have a small mouth and a large belly. Their suffering continues as they have no way to satiate their appetite. They need without end.

This can sometimes be a very immature, almost adolescent pairing.  There is an abundance of angst and drama with the AP/AP couple, and a deficit of humor and patience.

This pair can burn out quickly as it collapses into a sinkhole of mutual dissatisfaction. With science-based couples therapy and a high degree of motivation, couples on the milder end of the AP/AP continuum can acquire sufficient skills to validate and accept support in order to meet each others' needs adequately.


Avoidant Relationships From Hell

Avoidant-Fearful (AF) with Avoidant-Dismissive (AD):

Avoidants often pair off with either Secure or Anxious-Preoccupied partners.They tend not to pair with other Avoidants.

This is a rare pair. What these two flavors of Avoidance have in common, is their genius for avoidance. The Dismissive won't have their ego fed the way an Anxious-Preoccupied spouse would. The fact is, the Avoidant has learned to live without love, so they act like they have no needs. And the Avoidant-Fearful will be put off by the defensive dodging of the Dismissive.

This is a pair that has a hard time even getting together in the first place. After the first offense, they are unlikely to continue to answer the phone, or make the call.

Avoidant-Dismissive (AD) with Avoidant-Dismissive:

As far as relationships from hell go, this is perhaps as bad as it gets. The AD needs someone with needs or demands to respond to. I have seen these types of couples although rarely. They may both have strong narcissistic tendencies, and the very essence of the other flatters their sense of vanity and pride. They tend to live very disconnected separate lives. Sex tends to be impersonal, and the overall tone of the relationship is that they tend to keep each other at arm's length. But they function as "beautiful people" or at least highly successful ones that complement each other in some way that is vanity-pleasing to the other.

Closing

Unraveling relationships from hell involves dissecting the intricacies of attachment styles. These configurations may seem doomed, yet with dedicated therapy and a profound understanding of their dynamics, couples can navigate towards mutual satisfaction and connection despite their challenging beginnings.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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