Paul McCandless

Psychotherapist, husband, father, grandfather and trainer.

Education:

MA Chapman University,  Orange, California (Psychology; Marriage and Family Therapy (1998).

License:

California, Marriage and Family Therapist  (Lic #MFT39160)

Paul has practiced in Fullerton, California since the Spring of 1999.

Certification & Associations

​Speaking Personally

Truth is fundamental and guides my practice. We all know it when we see it, because it impacts us, like taking in a masterpiece of art, or a fine jazz riff.

We're moved by it. 

And when we cultivate our truth, it not only keeps its value, but it becomes more valuable with time.

Also, like great art, life is richer when we share our truth with someone we love deeply.

It's not easy to do.

It's often confusing to decide when we should speak up and  be honest and when we'd  be better off keeping our mouths shut, because we'd only cause more hard feelings.

In many ways, people’s greatest fear about starting therapy is the fear that a professional will confirm they are “crazy.”   Men, in particular, suffer from this fear. They are often dragged to couples therapy by their intensely frustrated and hopeless partners. They may have even gotten their wife's "layman's diagnosis," a few hundreds of times.

So I have an important job when I meet you: to help you normalize what you're doing, and help you to make sense of your actions. Your partner has to see that you aren't stark raving mad, or mentally ill. Everyone, including me, has to put things in context.

This is not the same as encouraging or applauding the problematic behavior.  Especially actions that leave everyone feeling more distant and lonely as a result. 

But it is essential to point out to men, (to all people really,) how the behavior might have once worked, but it just doesn't work so good any more...

I spend my professional life helping people sort out stuff that. I help them to discover what is "inherent truth" for them.  What  is worth standing up for, and taking the hit for, because you mean it  and its your truth. 

Women can sometimes find it hard to really trust themselves around that.  Is it really true?  Can I trust what I feel?  Do I have "evidence" or "proof"? 

You truth is what remains and endures, even after all the drama settles.  You don't find it in an online personality test.  You live with it.  Speak it out loud to test it out. Be willing to stand by it when people say: "Nah, that can't be right.  That's not you..."  But you know different. 

I help you to withstand the self-doubt and fears that come with sharing your truth in a way that your spouse or partner can hear.  And I help your spouse settle themselves down and listen, even if they don't like the message.

I can do that pretty well, because I know how scary it can be to stand up and be counted.  To speak from my heart, and be full of anxiety about what the impact is going to be.  But I'm here to tell you something: it gets easier over time and with practice.  The more you do it, the more you develop a taste for it, and you start to recognize the B.S. from the real stuff.

Your own B.S., that is.

I work with intimate relationships of all kinds, and help you see how your deepest, most meaningful relationships impact every single one of the other people you are in contact with:

  • Children
  • Co-workers
  • Bosses
  • Friends

Like you, I am on a journey of a lifetime. And, because I value honesty, I'll practice it myself, with both of you.  I conduct online work and hold retreats in Orange County in Southern California. Give me a call if you think I can help.