We help inter-racial couples and international couples
An international couple can be defined a number of ways. Sometimes, each partner comes from a different country or cultures. Sometimes they are from the same country, but live together in different country.
Maintaining a happy marriage can be a special challenge to an international couple. They have had to learn not only to live with each other, but to manage many other issues as well. They have to grow and change together. They have to be willing and open to doing new rituals and practices. They have successfully done many of these things already, in order to be a couple. But sometimes they face a barrier they cannot seem to figure out how to climb over.
We practice couples therapy with international couples online and have taught cross-cultural sensitivity and ethnic differences to marriage and family therapy graduate students at several schools of psychology.
Working with International Couples around the world takes special skills and knowledge to be of effective help.
We know how careful we must be in really understanding an International Couple. Using online couples therapy with International Couples also takes special skills.
Using a secure video-conferencing program is more than technology. It is knowing how to combine couples psychotherapy with online therapy, to get the best results. That’s why we’re studied online psychotherapy extensively.
Super commuters are people whose jobs are far enough away from home that they must live apart from their families for days, weeks, or even months at a time. It can also be used to define those who commute 90 miles or more on a daily basis.
New York University’s Rudin Center for Transportation Policy and Management reports that as many as 13 percent of workers in large US cities are currently super commuting. It’s not just a trend in the USA either; reports show the number of international super commuters is on the rise as well.
Here are some of the many issues we consider when we work with you in Online Couples Therapy:
International couples may have to talk about many things in a lot of detail:
Eating with your fingers is acceptable in some cultures/ not in others.
In some countries, kissing in public is fine. No one is offended.
In other cultures it is not acceptable.
A person from this culture will feel embarrassed to be kissed in front of others. If these two people marry, it might cause trouble for them. If they do not know what their partner considers to be proper behavior, they might act in a way to offend. They might not understand why they should not kiss in public. It can cause their partner to be upset.
Can you agree about public displays of affection? Are you living in a cultures where this behavior is acceptable?
Or perhaps both are comfortable (or uncomfortable) expressing affection in public, but they live in a country now, that does not approve. This may be especially difficult for them to “hide their love” when out with friends or associates.
Something as simple as making dinner can sometimes make problems.
* Do we cook your way? My way?
* Hit the highway (eat out)?
* Do we try to put different parts of both cultures into every meal? Take turns? Let the cook decide?
* What are "comfort foods?" (The foods we eat to feel calm and good.)
Being an immigrant has its own special stresses and challenges. One big stress is when one is a citizen of the country they both now live in, and the other one is a student, a visitor or on a work visa. There is stress when the permit is up, but the relationship is going strong. Do we marry now, even if we aren’t quite ready? Or do we split up? We are not ready to marry and we do not want to split up. This is a stressful situation.
These are painful decisions without a good solution. They require a calm place to talk it out.
If the couple marries, there is sometimes an unspoken question: “Did you marry me just to stay in this country, and not because you loved me?” “Would you have married me if there was no visa involved?” Even couples deeply in love can feel this an unhappy afterthought.
Another problem moving from another country is that some people are not kind to the immigrant.
To be safe, sometimes the immigrant will try to blend in, when they are in public, but keep patterns of behavior, like dressing in traditional ways, when they are safe at home. Sometimes it is the reverse. This can be stressful if one partner wants to blend in, and the other partner does not.
For many women educated in Western Countries, they find it difficult to return to traditional cultural attitudes that restrict a woman’s movements or allow assault at the hands of her husband or other forms of family violence. They have learned that it is illegal in Western cultures to beat or rape women, but are now told that such behavior is proper.
They have received confusing messages to be well-educated, while at the same time are unsure about how this knowledge is to be applied in her culture-of-origin. They want to be respectful of their families, but hold onto ideas that seem basically just and good, or are in closer keeping with actual religious teachings. Arranged marriages may be honored, while “forced marriages” are not. It is sometimes difficult to sort out all the subtleties of these distinctions. Yet, to be happily married, both the husband and wife must be in agreement.
I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!
Sufi mystic – Jelaluddin Rumi – 13th century
International couples have to rely on each other a lot, because they have often left friends and family far away. Such closeness can help the couples to bond, but it may not be enough. They may also feel lonely without the rest of their family to help, support, and spend time with.
One partner may want to move home. Or they may want to have frequent extended visits. This may not be easy to do. If they do spend weeks or months away from each other, they might feel sad. They may need help to talk about such a painful issue.
Sometimes it helps to create new friendships with people of your same culture in your new country. These friends, if are older than you, can sometimes provide support. This can make people less homesick.
You may feel lonely without the rest of their family to help, support, and spend time with.
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order;
To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order;
To put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal lives:
We must first set our hearts right. Confucius
Language and dialects may vary. Slangs and idioms might cause misunderstandings. Is the disagreement over a misunderstood word? Does one understand the other’s language easily, but not the other way around? Does one “interpret” for the other in this new country? Even two English people from different countries might have trouble (“Randy” is a name in one country, but an adjective in another…)
One of our Australian projects had a customer rep on site for its duration. He was a friendly guy and we had to explain why he shouldn’t go up to staff (particularly female staff) and go “Hi! I’m Randy.” We may have saved him embarrassment or black eyes in life outside of work.
Which language do they speak at home? Sometimes there are three or more languages to choose from. Which do we teach our children? Who will speak which language to the children? Should everyone in the family be equally skilled in all dialects? If someone doesn’t understand what the other is saying, do they ask for help or keep quiet?
People with accents can also find that speaking with an accent is used to discriminate in hiring and housing.
We work very hard to be sure everyone in online couples counseling with international couples proceeds slowly, and that everyone understands what we are talking about. This is especially important when one of the partners speaks English as a native language and the other one does not. Or one speaks fluently in one language, and the other does not.
Being in a happy marriage can make it much easier to face outside stresses together. You might get help if you talk to an expert in online couples therapy with international couples.
Clinicians at Couples Therapy Inc. work with couples from all over the world.
We would like to help you, too, with your relationship.